Temporary lapse of sanity and a lifetime of learning and suffering

When I was in college I was already a brother of my fraternity.  I was enjoying life.  I was extremely frightened to have found that a new brother had joined my fraternity having been a brother (he told us) from a chapter in Kansas City I think.  I found him to be very spectacular as far as being athletic, but his treatment of women I later learned was poor and even bordered upon him being a potential rapist.  He went after women left and right.  I was also mortified to have seen that this brother displayed our letters branded into his arm on the right side.  Not only that, but he encouraged and successfully enlisted a few of our brothers to do the same.  It was small, about 1.5 inches by .9 inches.  I did not have a good feeling about this situation.  One bother used a copper wire which he heated with a lighter to do his 'mark'.  It left a discoloration. 
I was up all night studying for exams one day and the following day finished my exams. I was a potentially psychotic broken will of sorts after that loss of sleep. In that day, sleep deprivation really messed me up quite a bit.  I entered the fraternity and for some reason, the idea of doing this mark suddenly appealed to me.  I had known it was ugly and that it was not really a righteous thing to do. I never the less found myself in a bedroom with a paper clip and a lighter and in the hands of my capable whore friend, I was 'branded' by my soon to be ex fraternity member. I do not know the details, but this brother is said to have lied about his brotherhood.  He is not on our roster today and I have no idea what he has become. 
That said, I did the worst thing I have ever in my lifetime done.  I have broken a Torah commandment.  A big one.  Its actually I saw the other day listed under Leviticus 19-28.  You shall not make a mark in your skin. I clearly knew it at the time, but as I was not of a religious mindset, it was not a matter I had thought of in detail. (though i am certain that my soul was well aware of this matter).  I had felt ignorant the following day as I was noting the new wound in the mirror of my apartment.  I am fortunate that it did heal quite well, but there was always a slightly scarred remain that was slightly distinguishable.  I am not proud of this at all. After all my discussion of Torah and humanity, this is who I really am.  A fellow who has violated a major commandment.  (the other half of this commandment forbids you to carve in your skin a mark to signify that someone has died).  I must say that I was able to get through my first year of medical school without much duress from the change to my constitution.  In my Air Force physical exam, prior to medical school, I was undignifyingly embarrassed that I had this mark that may or may not have been remarked upon.  It was later in my first year of residency in the Air Force that when sitting with a senior surgical resident during lunch, I was noted to have this irregularity in my skin. It was noticable under the shorter sleeve of a scrubs top.  The resident made a remark that what had I done to my arm. I was never so humiliated in my days prior to this. In my beginning air force days, I found slightly some solidarity with another member who was a woman that had a rose tattoo on her body somewhere. Leg I think .  
I had always oppossed getting a tattoo and by medical school, I was cognizant that it was against my religion. (a few others including one jewish student got medical tattoos on their legs).
I must say that in the years following this, I have had a major amount of tribulation as related to this experience.  It never goes away.  At one point I was so aware that my Creator was unhappy with me that I covered the brand with a bandaid and did this for a few weeks.  I was living back with my father and mother at the time.  I knew this wouldnt work.  I decided that I needed to find out what I needed to do to rectify this major sin in my life.  I asked a reform rabbi in a time that I was very distressed what I might need to do.  His reply was if you want to go to the mikveh, maybe that might make you feel better.  Not a bad thought, but it wasnt good enough I thought.  I sought plastic surgery options.  I have a friend who is a surgeon in my town. He did a dermabrasion which cost me about  300 dollars.  Ok. not a bad thought. It did slightly remove the likeness of the deformity.  I must say that my friend was benevolent and non judgemental regarding the mark.  In fact, when he referred to it as an 'insignia', I had found this word to be flattering. No one wants to call  it a 'brand'.  I was not satisfied with the surgery and went back and had it done a 2nd time.  This time, he went deeper. I am proud to say that today, my arm has a light area of some scar tissue that is mostly indistinguishable as a mark.  The details are slightly evident but extremely slightly. It does not bother me at all.
I must say that this is very likely the type of sin that men woudl sacrifice bulls for in Jerusalem.  I will most unlikely be able to do such a service.  In my day I somehow equated the mark as the characteristic that you may find on an automechanic.  And with that in mind, I found myself buying some stock in TRW.  Funny idea huh?  Well, I do belive that in a mystical spiruital sense, this buying a stock was a way to please any angel that may have condemned me for my insignia.  Now I had a good deed that was also likened to an auto mechanic.  So I have some way to destroy the negative energy that I had long associated with the burn mark.
I can only pray that my own efforts are atoning and that my sin is not greivous enough to keep me from a life of luxury and health in the world to come. I dont think its going to come to that.  I do not believe that it is such that I may not be buried properly in a Jewish cemetary, though I would like to be buried in a true orthodox cemetary. I asked the 'orthodox' rabbi in my town about this situation and he said there was nothign to worry about .  Dont worry.
I consulted other rabbis on the phone and it was really not somthing for which any one of them had an answer.  I will say that I am lucky that it is on my right arm.  One rabbi remarked to me that if you tattoo your left arm, it interferes with your spirituality as you place your tefillin on your arm.  He has known others to have done this. 
I do not feel that I have yet completely removed myself of the pain and suffering that I have caused myself psychologically from this event.  That said, it is a complete minimum now.  I do not wish to advertise this horrible thing, but I feel that this is a blog that addresses pain and suffering and this story is worth a read.  I dont think that any Jewish person should ever consider any thing that might alter their physical skin appearance such as a tattoo or the like. No surprise. Its against our Laws.

update, 4-27-2011,

As once can see from this photograph today, this is not a major blemish and really one can not make out any detail.  Its really not the distinguishing mark which today is essentially completely absolved by the fact that it was inlaid upon my arm that was the trouble over most of the years.  That said, though this is a slightly dark photograph, I can assure you that no major distinguishing feature is present other than a bit of discolored scarring that one would essentialy have to look for to be able to notice.  That is fine. As of today, I feel near completely or completely absolved of all negative feelings regarding this experience.  But as you can see from my commentary below, it was a real journey in of itself in its years of alteration to my own sense of self and thought processes.   Thanks.