Purging the future (c'v)

Here it lays, the symptom of mania and sadness all combined.  It really was a mania of sorts. 
Here is an account of what it really feels like to be sick at a horrible special location of your mind and being.
In perhaps 2005, I found myself purging an otherwise great collection of CD's. I did not need the money. I did not have a good feeling about what I really loved.  My music collection.  I went through my CD's and got rid of a great number, perhaps 50 CD's that I started thinking were a source of my own discontent.  I was not in a good frame of mind and it lasted a good while.  I sold to the discount CD store a great number of special music.  I would tell you that probably a few were of course really worthless to me, but that said, I have yet to replenish the collection.  I do however tell you that I do not regularly listen to CD's. I probably have about 250 now.  Its a nice collection.  I purged some Pink Floyd, Genesis, Simon and Garfunkle, Pure Prarie League, Queen, Rush (well this one gets interesting), maybe Boston and probably a number of other titles that I guess are not that troubling and perhaps had no purpose.  I did purge one sweet cd that I really never listened to called "Venus Envy".  The story behind this cd is that I was once in NYC and visiting the bars in Grenwich Villiage. I sat in a jazz bar and listened to the most wonderful female vocalist sing some sort of maybe folk like jazz like songs.  She had the voice of a patriot.  She was great.  I purged the CD I bought from her perhaps becuase I just did not think at the time that a title of that nature was "kosher".  It is.  And how I'd like to listen to her Cd someday.  But that said, I'm ok.  I'm healthy.  The world did not fall apart.  No one questioned me.  But I will say I have most of the Pink Floyd Cd's back, all of the old genesis which I love like there is no other band, and of course I have my Queens greatest hits (I must admit homophobia was the cause of this atrocity. Its a real thing. Get it off the face of the earth please!).   I have yet to get PPL back that will come.  I have one Simon and Garfunkle album. 
I did purge a great collection of the Alan Parsons Project.  (Why does this blog entry seem to read like Farenheight 451?)  I must say that I may have had reason to do so. Its a very scary music indeed.  Alan Parsons exceeds the sound barrier as he plays the most sophisticated and most special and time striking music.  I thought that it was of the devil.  I did believe an entity like that did exist at that day. I knew I had to get rid of it all. But that said, listening to any music too much can indeed cause some trouble. Especially Alan Parsons.  In May of 2004, I purchased his Definitive Collection, a super great album.  I played it over and over in my time driving around for pleasure and fun.  I was hooked.  But by June, I found myself a mental health admission and I was in a funky sad state of disorganized thinking. I can't say that Alan Parsons is the devil, but I will say listen to constantly at your own risk. It played a role.  But I do have Alan in my collection, if for but that one CD. 
So thats it.
One note I will add though, the purge of RUSH was perhaps a test of my spiritual commitment to God. I really believe that. I had a huge RUSH collection and I am glad to report that I do not believe RUSH when listened to constantly will cause a psychosis, at least not in me, but I havent tested it and probably never will.  I was an amazingly strong RUSH fan, listening to it all the time in college and medical school and for a few years after that. I listened in the car.  When I was on Active duty in 1993 and living with a friend in a small shared VOQ room, I was just looking foward to listening to RUSH on the radio when we were able to put on the classic rock channel.  (wouldn't you have it that my friend when I would take a shower would change the channel to country.  not my venue that day. But after one month with my friends assistance, I have become a super huge fan and that is my main venue today).  I found myself upon returning to my family's home in 2000 one day having an ominous feeling that my addiction to RUSH may indeed constitute idolatry.  I was really that hooked. I must say that I moved the disks to the basement for a while and at the same time, something was not right. I felt that perhaps my Creator was jealous. Quite possibly He was.  Quite possibly I put my love and devotion of this particular music ahead of my own religious needs.  Its a possibility right?  I felt I had to redeem myself. I sold the whole thing.  Not psychotic, I say. Just careful.    I have since repurchased a few CD's, the live ones.   I must say that for a good amount of time, I refused to listen to RUSH. I even expressed to a fellow in the chat room who is a Rabbi that I felt that it may be against our religion to listen to RUSH and that perhaps it was subversive in its lyrics.  It was my idea of the time.  I am proud to tell you that in no way is RUSH idolatry or subversive except if you like to hear songs about perhaps their idea that going to a party hosted by a gay man is not a bad idea. Its not.  I do have one homophobic friend who purged his RUSH for that very reason. Fortunately for us, he thinks he wants to seek higher office in America. And hes got his hat in today.  I have not decided yet if I am going to offer him my support. I have my reservations. Though I am certain that a medical field as he has found is a good thing that he can legitimately contribute positively to humanity.  He is an opthalmolgist.  I hope he sees straight someday.